Who Am I?

I'm a rakista by heart....

Good music, words perfect... too beautiful not to share...

A song by Casting Crowns, my national anthem since last year....

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Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Bridge:
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.


I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.


I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

I am yours.

Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cause I am yours.
I am yours.

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Not trying to be religious here... This song describes how I feel about God. And how God must be feeling for me...

Just perfect!!!

Unhappy??

Had an interesting discussion with a friend over the weekend...

Friend: Got sick again???

Me: Yeah, kinda got this flu that wouldn't just go away. Guess, I need to see a physician.

Friend: You're just unhappy... It's a state of mind, you know. If something in you just can't be shaken off, you're just UNHAPPY. Period!!!

Happy News!!!

June started out to be a happy month for me and my friends. Two of my friends got engaged!!! Great, right?!

Another friend's been lucky, too. A play he has written is onstage in CCP. And it's only his first try. Lucky guy...
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In a not-so-happy note, Kcat's fone got stolen last night. There's a big BUT here... She thinks it's a sign she has to move on from...
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All in all, June's proving to be a great month!

Grand EB

After almost a year, I met up with Jacq and Zeta. Had coffeee with them Tuesday night. It was more like speed-dating. I have to go back to work that night. Was contemplating getting the rest of the night off but I just had so much things to do.

What's really surprising is that we realized how much we have missed on each others life's events. Even when we have fones and all. There's just some things you just can't say by SMS. Talking to your friends is kinda therapeutic in a way....

I feel for both of you, ladies! We can do this!

I may not be always be around but rest assured you are not forgotten...

Two Shades Darker...

Arghhh... my normally kayumanggi complexion is NOW two shades darker...

Sarap kasing mag-beach pag-summer. No matter how many times I tell myself... "magtago ka sa araw, nagpapaputi ka!" Di ko talaga mapigil... hehehehe... May certain appeal ang summer sa akin. But I love rainy days just as much!!!

Anyways... I promised myself that that trip to Grande Island will be the last for this summer, so I can start na magpa-pusyaw na ng balat.

Kakatwa I spend almost the whole year to become fairer. Lahat ng pampaputi you name it at pagtatago sa araw ginagawa ko all year round. Dating ang SUMMER, 1 day lang mas maitim pa ako kesa sa dating kong kulay.

Nga pala here's a glimpse of Grande Island.

It's a great place. We got a chalet that has a veranda that has a great view of the beach. Romantic!!! Lahat nga kami nag-wish that we are with our special someones. Nice place for honeymooners, hayyy...

A Long Weekend

I'm off to the beach!!! I'll be leaving this morning at 530am... so what am I doing up so late? I'm so excited to see the place. We'll be going to Grande Island in Subic (i think)!!!

Will post pictures by next week...

Phot...

Weekend Away from Everything

Just a glimpse of what you can see in Sheaven's. The place is great for soul searching and just doing nothing.

I wish I was there for just that...

Hey, stranger...

Fancy bumping into my journal again.

I have forgotten how therapeutic it is to write down everything that's happened to me. I mean, I had a high time reading all my previous entries.

Funny, how time flies... I did lots of things this year that changed my views. Wish I can retrace everything and put them here....

Hello Again...

I know almost a year. Had all the time in world to update but chose not to. I was kinda pressured with all the goings on in my life, decided to not make anymore moves. Just try if everything'll go away, left alone. They didn't... Well, some did give up and had taken their own course - leaving only marks. Most stayed.

Life's kinda funny in a way. You want it you lose it. Take its lead and you'll be surprised at how far one can go.

Connect!!!

Guess what??? We are talking again.

It's funny because I was just talking to Kcat about what happened. I was ranting about the relationship. I just hung up when his IM popped in my monitor. I was surprised. It seems like we are somewhat connected and changed all my wrong notions about our relationship.

Our little chat made my life a bit brighter today. Ahhh....

Hahaha...

Know what?

I have just thought of something. I want to check how people would react to a situation. More of like a "Wow Mali" kinda thing. I bet life would be more exciting. Besides I'm sure to enjoy peoples reactions and compare how I would react in the same situation.

Hey, I'm not making fun of other people or wish to hurt anyone. I just want to see things in a different perspective.

Let's see.... ;-)

I'm Sad...

I just got off the fone.

Funny how a simple fone call can make me sad. I wish I said something else....

Wanna Know More About Me???

Your Birthdate: October 23

With a birthday on the 23rd of the month (5 energy) you are inclined to work well with people and enjoy them. You are talented and versatile, very good at presenting ideas. You may have a tendency to get itchy feet at times and need change and travel. You tend to be very progressive, imaginative and adaptable. Your mind is quick, clever and analytical. A restlessness in your nature may make you a bit impatient and easily bored with routine. You may have a tendency to shirk responsibility. Very sociable, you make friends easily and you are an excellent traveling companion.

Best Pics Of The Season???

We took lots of pictures during our trip to Puerto Galera but I decided to choose the best pics.

Came up with these...




Criteria? Well, just that all three of us look good in the pics and, yes, I have to be smiling. :-(

By The Shores of Puerto Galera's White Beach...

Oh no! Don't think we scare people off the beach when we hit it. We just try to keep the photos free of unwanted views!!!

Jackie's a genius! With two bottles of water as tripod, we managed to get great pictures.

Puerto Galera Sights!!!

Yup! Been to Puerto Galera again. Funny how a small island can be so full of wonderful sights. Went there with a friend and met her officemate friend there.

Had a wonderful time. Will post more pics soon. For now, enjoy these...

Video (A Song by India Aria)

I liked this song the first time I heard it. My sentiments, actually, India Aria.... Sorry I had to change India Aria to Pauline.

-----------------------------------------------

India Arie - Video

Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don't
Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won't
Depend on how the wind blows
I might even paint my toes
It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul
I'm not the average girl from your video and
I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I Learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing
I will always be Pauline
When I look in the mirror the only one there is me
Every freckle on my face is where it's supposed to be
And I know our creator didn't make no mistakes on me
My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes I'm lovin' what I see
I'm not the average girl from your video and
I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I Learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be Pauline
Am I less of a lady If I don't wear panty hoes?
My mama said ain't what she wears but, what she knows
But, I've drawn a conclusion, it's all and illusion confusions the name of the game
A misconception, a vast deception
Something's gotta change
Don't be offended this is all my opinion ain't nothing that I'm sayin law
This is a true confession of a life learned lesson
I was sent here to share wit ya'll
So get in where you fit in go on and shine
Free your mind, nows the time
Put your salt on the shelf
Go head and love yourself
Cuz everything's gonna be all right
I'm not the average girl from your video and
I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I Learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be Pauline
Keep your fancy drinks and your expensive minks
I don't need that to have a good time
Keep your expensive car and your Caviar
All I need is my guitar Keep your krystyle and your pistol
I'd rather have a pretty piece of Crystal
Don't need your silly comb I can find my own
What God gave me is just fine
I'm not the average girl from your video and
I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I Learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing
I will always be Pauline

We Have A Pope!!!

We have been blessed by the election of a new Pope today.

VIVA IL PAPA!!!

Our Place

Do you and your friends have a favorite place? We do! We love the place so much that we regularly hang out in the place. It's one of the places where you can sit for hours and no one will ask you to leave. hehehehe.... No, we don't own the place. They have lots of customers but it's one of the nice places where you can sit and do your stuff.

Anyways, me and my friend Jack were playing with her digital camera this weekend and we managed to get some decent photos. See the cube? Yup, we designated a particular table for our usual after-gym pigout. Yup, a corner cube by the window. Ideal for lovers, actually. We always talk about bringing our mates there.... hahahha.... Talk about wishes, we're both single. Hey, we love each other.... so we have to make do with each other's company. Right Jack?




It was Jack's idea to frame our faces with the place's name (printed on the cups). I like the inclined photo of Jack. I also like her pose. Yup, taken by none other than photographer extraordinaire Pauline. Photographer's services can be arranged, hehehhehe...

If you happen to be in the place, why don't you come up and say hi? We always could use a third wheel, just kidding. Anyways, come and check out the place. You'll see what I mean. ;-)

21 Things I Want in a Lover (Alanis Morissette)

21 Things I Want in a Lover

do you derive joy when someone else succeeds?
do you not play dirty when engaged in competition?
do you have a big intellectual capacity but know
that it alone does not equate wisdom?
do you see everything as an illusion?
but enjoy it even though you are not of it?
are you both masculine and feminine?
politically aware?
and don't believe in capital punishment?
these are 21 things that I want in a lover
not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer
do you derive joy from diving in and seeing
that loving someone can actually feel like freedom?
are you funny? à la self-deprecating?
like adventure? and have many formedopinions?
these are 21 things that I want in a lover
not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer
I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter
these are 21 things I choose to choose in a lover
I'm in no hurry I could wait forever
I'm in no rush cuz I like being solo
there are no worries and certainly no pressure
in the meantime I'll live like there's no tomorrow
are you uninhibited in bed? more than three times a week?
up for being experimental?
are you athletic? are you thriving in a job that helps your brother?
are you not addicted?

...curious and communicative...

Ideal???

I can't shake the lethargic mood I'm having so I thought of posting this one. Somehow my mood lightened but not for long...

Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover

You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires.And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek.You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships.It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.

Just getting the Ideal rating makes me all the more sad. :-(

Hmmm... am I I-D-E-A-L?

Ultimate Ahhhh...

This song just keeps me going... I love this song sooo much!!!

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Only Wanna Be With You
(hootie & the blowfish)

You and me
We come from different worlds
You like to laugh at me
When I look at other girls
Sometimes you're crazy
And you wonder why I'm such a baby
Cause the Dolphins make me cry

Chorus:

Well there's nothing I can do I only wanna be with you
You can call me your fool
Only wanna be with you
Put on a little Dylan sitting on a fence
I say that line is great
You ask me what I meant by
Said I shot a man named Gray
Took his wife to Italy
She inherited a million bucks
And when she died it came to me
I can't help it if I'm lucky
Only wanna be with you
Ain't Bobby so cool
Only wanna be with you

(Solo)
Yeah I'm tangled up in blue
Only wanna be with you
You can call me your fool
Only wanna be with you
Sometimes I wonder
If it will ever end
You get so mad at me
When I go out with my friends
Sometimes you're crazy
And you wonder why I'm such a baby yeah
The Dolphins make me cry
Well there's nothing I can do
Only wanna be with you
You can call me your fool
Only wanna be with you
Yeah I'm tangled up in blue
Only wanna be with you

My Day

It's 7am.

I am in a kind of "senti" mood at the moment. I can't exactly tell why. Funny how I wanted to write down all my thoughts but is scared to have people read them. And I would only bare my soul to a choice few.

Anyways, at the moment this is all I can tell. Maybe soon when I am well and ready I'll write about it and we'll all have a good laugh over it. For now, let me just keep it all inside. Soon, soon...

I had a difficult day. I know, I promised to write only about happy moments. I guess, happy moments are not for me. I'd like to believe that they will be soon. ;-)

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Thanks to all the people who started visiting my blog. I just can't tell you how grateful I am. God bless us all!!!

Star Wars Fever...

I'm dying to see the last installment of the Star Wars movies.

For now, I'd like to say that I am a Jedi! hehehehe....


:: how jedi are you? ::

Well, I believe I'm intrinsically good....

Com'on, take the challenge. Let me know who you turnout to be, okay?

More Photos from Puerto Galera

I still can't post the photos from Baguio City and the ones from the True Faith concert. Decided to post more of the galera pics on grid.




I wish my friend Jack will not have trouble uploading the pics this week. We were both sad when her PC wouldn't do any uploading from the digital camera.

I'm excited to post the pics. And I have lots of stories about that True Faith concert last March 31st. I want the pictures posted with my artik. hehehehe...

Ladies' Night Out

March 31st concert of Mojofly and True Faith at Atchie's Bar.

Went there with 3 of my girl friends - Ms. Tonette, Kcatie and Jackie.




Kinda fiery? Yup, exact word I'd used to describe a very good concert. Had a great time, had a chance to holler without anyone having to know why. I'm relieved.

20 Questions (Plus 20 More)....

Yeah, I finally give in to these types of questionaires. This is the first time i answered one, so I thought to make it a milestone. heheheheh... if you could call it that.

1.WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? Pauline _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ (kept the other parts for security. I have lots of stalkers already, don't have the time and the energy for more.

2. WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING? BLUE, yan lang talaga.

3. WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW? answering this questionaire, chatting with kcat and quresh, blog hopping, working (hehehhee), talking to Steve (all the way from the US)

4. WHAT'S THE LAST THING YOU ATE? cheese dog and banana. i don't like that look on your face. it's not what you think. yun talaga kinain ko eh.

5. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? hmmm... no. i lost the magic of wishing on stars already. i love stargazing though.

6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? BLUE. bakit ba?

8. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? my mom. i normally call home when i get to the office. more like letting her know that i arrived safely.

9. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT YOU THIS? uhmmm... next question please. hehehhe... but of course, i wouldnt be answering this.

10. HOW OLD ARE YOU TODAY? i'm an old soul not because i'm 30. i'm just an old soul.

11. FAVORITE DRINK? water!!!

12. FAVORITE SPORT? wala eh. hmmm... cge badminton. yun lang ang medyo okay ako. pero i used to play basketball but i'm no good.

13. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? nope. but i wear my contacts out, i'm sure. hehehhee...

14. SIBLINGS? 5 beautiful souls

15. FAVORITE MONTH? september...

16. FAVORITE FOOD? anything with tomato sauce basta hindi lamang-loob (i.e., liver, gizzard, and the like). i also don't eat beef. after taste issue... hehehehhe...

17. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? ROBOTS! I'm a child eh. I'll always be a little girl. Bakit ba?

18. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? Good Friday. Why? hmmmm... figure it out.

19. WHAT DO YOU DO TO VENT ANGER? silently cry. if possible, alone.

20. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? hmmm... marbles. di kasi ako nakapaglaro nun sa labas ng bahay. pero i have lots of them. pwede lang ipambato yun eh.

21. SUMMER OR WINTER? winter... i love to snuggle. walang opportunity eh. please GOD send us some snow kahit one week lang. hehehehe...

22. HUGS OR KISSES? depends. hehehehhe... cguro hugs ako. snuggle nga di ba?

23. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? VANILLA.

24. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITE/ E-MAIL BACK? hmmm... kahit ano? pero i love it when they call.

25. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? kahit cno. cguro people who like me.

26. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY? people like me, no time for things like this. i just like the person who sent me this. besides, i'm not that busy at the moment.

27. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: i live with my mom. but all that's gonna change soon. i'm moving to another city. BAGUIO CITY, here I come.

28. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? last sunday reading Judith McNaught's Perfect.

29. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? no idea. di ko pa na-check kung ano meron dun. alikabok?

30 WHO IS THE FRIEND YOU HAVE HAD LONGEST? Kuya Jesse. even before I was born.

31. WHAT INSPIRES YOU? uhmmm....

32. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? uhmmm...

33. PLAIN, BUTTERED OR SALTED POPCORN? don't like popcorn that much.

34. FAVORITE CAR? kahit ano basta safe.

35. FAVORITE FLOWER? any.

36. NUMBER OF KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING? wala eh. don't have a key ring.

37. CAN YOU JUGGLE? do i have to?

38. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK? friday

39. WHAT DID YOU DO ON YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY? went out with jacq and zette, simple dinner and tea afterwards. had another celebration with kcat and jacq.

40. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU HAD SAND BETWEEN YOUR TOES? January 22, Puerto Galera

Why is there no number 7 here? Title should be 39 questions... Let's see who notices. Tell me if you did. ;-)

Photos - Puerto Galera - January 21-22, 2005

Yey!

I can post pictures now. Thanks to some friends who have been so kind as to be patient on me while I learn Hello's and Picasa2's ropes.

Anyways, I was planning to post the Baguio pics but I had a different idea all together o posting them. So here are the photos from the two-day holiday in Puerto Galera last January instead.




It was a happy-kinda-sad holiday. It was rainy then and we are headed to the beach. Actually, we are bringing a friend's friend to the beach. Yup, a guy friend. More like a friend's suitor. Why? He flew all the way from Australia. So we decided to bring him to the some places here in the Philippines.

Anyways, the two-days were filled with fun. We drank light drinks by the shores and stargazed while at it. The sun did honor our days at the beach and we managed to get ourselves tan.

The Baguio pics have to wait. I'm playing with Picasa still....

AJ, Your Time's Running Out

Yup! I am giving myself until end of the month to pin for AJ. I mean, I have been hanging on everything and anything about him for a number of months now. I want to give up this insane habit!

AJ, you'll be out of my mind come April 1st. No more looking forward to seeing you... no more hanging on your every action and word... no more you in my life....

Two more days, and you're out!!!

I'm moving on.

View From Our Inn's Balcony

This is what we see from the balcony of the inn we checked in.




Quite a sight huh?

Baguio Pauses for Our Poses

Yeah... We took Baguio by thurder and lightning.

Thurder? We were two noisy tourists to be exact. A place such as Baguio is for meditation. Well, I had my fill of the serene atmosphere. I almost finished a book.

Lightning? Well, you should see how bright our camera's flash is. You'll understand. hehehhehe... No offense Jack, just trying to be something here. :-D


If you need copies of any photo, do not hesitate to let me know.

Pictures are in no particular order, though. Just my mind's sick sense of arrangement.

Have fun browsing!!!

#$*!?... Can't Post Pictures Here

I'm losing my patience with Picasa and Hello. After the nth time, I just can't post pictures here.

Can anyone help me? Maybe give me a step-by-step instructions on how to do it? Please....

Flowers of Baguio

Finally, here are the photos from our Baguio trip during this year's Holy Week.




Just a sample of the flora you'll see in Baguio's Botanical Garden. You can see now why I love Baguio so much.

Why include our faces? Well, there were 2 more rare blooms when we went there. Guess who (take note not what) they are....

Sorry I have to ante-date, though.

I'm Back But Not For Long...

Yup, I'm here in our house in Marikina again. Back from my 3-day vacation.

Want to know what happened? Well, we never get to see the shores of Pangasinan. My friend decided that we should go straight to Baguio and not to stop by Hundred Islands in Pangasinan. Actually, I was disappointed. I was looking forward to seeing the beach and to laze under the sun. Anyways, the decision to go straight to Baguio instead is a good decision. My guess is Pangasinan may be too humid for even a short stay. It's cold in Baguio, even during summer.

I promise to post some pics as soon as they are uploaded from the camera. You'll see what Baguio is like in the next few days.

While we were staying in Baguio, I had this not-so-crazy idea that I want to live and work in Baguio. I was toying with the idea even on the trip back to Manila. It makes perfect sense...

I always wanted to live independently. Yup, I still live with my mom at 30. And yes I'm one pampered gal. My mom takes care of everything from clothes to food. I will just wake up to eat and get ready for work. As Baguio is only 5-8 hours away from Manila, I decided is the best place live independently. The atmosphere is less humid, I can easily pack my bags up and go back to my mom's house if things don't work out. :D

Anyways, arriving at the decision is one thing. I figure I have to find a paying job there and a place to stay. I'm starting on finding the job now. Finding a place to stay will be easier, I guess. Actually, my heart is saying that I quit my current job and set myself up in Baguio but I know that wouldn't be practical. Let's see, if the desire to live in Baguio will rule out all my sensibilities.

For now, please pray for me that I may find a job opening in Baguio. Better yet if you know someone in Baguio that would be able to help me land a job, I appreciate it very much.

Now, let me go back to my job hunting....

The Plan...

Given that everyone in the Philippines will be heading out of town for a vacation, my friend and I decided to do the same. But unlike other people who have long booked their seats and their hotels, we are heading out of town without any reservations in any form of transportation and accomodations. I know, it's crazy. Isn't it exciting? It's actually the first we are doing this. And we are dying of anticipation. We ready ourselves for the hassles and the stresses this plan would make us face... Yeah, because we are a couple of adventure-hungry persona....

So equipped with a Lonely Planet book about the Philippines, this is how we planned our 4-day holiday:

• Meet Jacq in the gym by 8pm. She probably had taken care of the provisions (i.e., water and light snacks for the long travel).
• Head to the terminal to catch whatever trip is available. We are choosing between Pangasinan-Baguio and Baguio-Antipolo. It all depends on what bus trip can accomodate us on a busy season.
• If we get the Pangasinan-Baguio trip: sightseeing (Hundred Islands!!!) and swimming is the thing! We plan to spend Friday in the beach and head to Baguio night time.
• If we get the Baguio trip: we will be in Baguio re-acquainting ourselves with the place until Friday evening enroute to Antipolo for a swim with our other friends by Saturday morning.

I am hoping that we get the Pangasinan-Baguio trip, though. I would want to spend some of my time in the beach. Baguio would be like Manila, only it's a lot less humid up in Baguio.

I'm excited!!!

Let's see how our plan will turn out. ;-)

Queer??

I've been in the face of the earth 30 years, I haven't really notice anything strange about me and my habits until of late. So I'm writing these strange things about myself down to see if there are other people who have them or maybe someone will be able to uncover te true me.

Here goes...

Do you know that I...?

• can sleep 15 hours straight. I could be hailed from the slitherin family. wahahahahe...
• can only get to sleep after I had the palms of my hands massaged. I swear! Is there a scientific explanation for this?
• lay out all my bathroom essentials (in this order: body scrub, soap, shampoo, conditioner, 2 towels - 1 for my body and another for my hair, toothpaste, toothbrush, dental floss, facial cream, lipstick, lotion, deostick, socks, undergarments, hair accessories) on my bed before actually taking a bath. They have to be lined up in that order.... Vain? I don't think so. I just want to make sure I won't miss out on a ritual. OC? Could be...
• am squeamish when it comes to a bare torso. Just discovered this recently. Guys in the gym have this habit of taking their clothes off in front of me, I hate that. I feel violated when they do that. I am not even sure why they do that and why it has to be in front of me!?! I'm not lesbian or anything. I just feel that taking off a shirt in front of a woman is a major no, no. Victorian?... not really. I wouldn't mind if they take it off behind my back, coz then I wouldn't be tempted to stare. ;-) hahahahha...

I'm sure that there's more. But these four are the ones that I have been noting lately. How about you? What strange habits do you have?

Holiday Plans

I know it's 6am and it's really too early for making an entry. But I just want to write this down, I might not be able to with the things running on my mind.

Holy Week is coming up. Yup! That means I will have 4 days holiday.

Thinking about that 4 days makes me sad. I am so sure to spend them at home, reading and watching DVDs.

I met with a friend this weekend and we kinda agreed to make this year different. We shall not be spending all 4 days couped up at home. We are going out!!! So, in a kinda roundabout way, we started planning our holiday.

I always wanted to go on a backpacking trip. Guess what? My friend humoured me and agreed to come with me. Although, I'm not sure how are we gonna do that given the number of commuters at this time of the year. You know how it is here in the Philippines during holy week holidays. Everyone just wants to get away from the city, so i guess it will be one hell of an adventure trying to get transport to and from the places we want to go to.

But I will not be deterred. I happen to like spending a day or two in a beach. Read, sunbathe, swim, laze under the sun really. The places that we will visit? Bolinao and Baguio. I know! It's crazy to plan a backpacking when everyone else are probably headed to the beach or somewhere cold like Baguio. But my friend is so insistent... and I am excited. This is actually the first time that I will be doing it. I'm more nervous than excited really. But I don't want to pass up the chance. I mean, how many ladies can actually say that they went on a backpacking trip. I bet, I'll be one of the 10 or so people.

I have to work until Thursday morning. My friend doesn't know this yet, we plan to leave the city on Wednesday morning. I'm so sure someone's gonna have a BF (bitch fit)!!! Anyways, we're doing this for adventure. And an adventure we will surely have. Getting transport going to and fro the places we plan to visit will be a main feat.

I'm excited. I'll post pictures here, I hope we can really do it.

You'll be hearing more about this escapade here.

Been Down With Asthma Again

Yup! I had to take a leave of absence for a couple of days due to a mild asthma attack.

What brought the asthma attack? Well, it's more like negligence on my part. I've been very busy for two weeks before the attack. I have to find time for working out in the gym and running after a lot of internal fone meetings. I remember leaving the gym wearing my wet shirt a day or two last week. That could have brought the attack. Dust, pollution and my carelessness. I know, I should have changed for a dry shirt.

Anyways, the two days I was away from work made me realized that I have not done anything but rant on my journal. hehehhehe.... Well, these last few months are a mixture of blessings and disappointments. And I chose to highlight the hurts and the disillusionments.

The last straw was me having an asthma attack again (the last attack was only this January which is forgivable as the more than usual pollution brought about by firecrackers on New Year's Eve). It kinda shook me in a way that made me think of things that I want to do this year. I mean, what if my life is to end this year.... what have I to show? I hope I'm not being melodramatic. It's just that I went through all my entries and I kinda felt depressed reading it. So I decided to take action. My happiness is my responsibility.

Expect fun and happy entries in the coming days. Well, there may be some not-so-happy entries but I'll try to keep it on the minimal. :-P

On Love and Responsibilities....

After 30 years of my life, I look back at the years that were. What have I got to show? Nothing. Absolutely, nothing. I found myself staring at a blank walk.

I know now that I loved people so much but I didn't left any love for myself. I cared so much about them that I forgot to live my own life. I was just surviving all the waking moments. Everyone depended on me and I got myself so high with the power that someone depended on me that I died a thousand deaths without realizing I haven't lived even one single moment.

I was there for my family, my friends, officemates. But I was never there for myself. I took no notice of myself and my needs up until now.

Don't get me wrong. I love the way I know how to love but somewhere along the way I lost myself because of that love.

Now, I want to break free. I want to be my own person. No responbilities to anyone but myself. Can I start living my life now?

In The Meantime Finding Yourself and the Love You Want

a book by Iyanla Vanzant.

A good friend gave me a copy of this book for Christmas. I was genuinely happy. How could I not!?! I love to read. Besides, my friend went to all troubles just to get me a copy.

I started flipping on the pages weeks ago but I haven't really read it. Actually, I am on Chapter 6 already. The voracious reader in me just can't wait to read the whole book. But I never understood a thing. It's not you, Iyanla. It's just me....

It's like the words held no meaning at all. I had to stop and check if I am in denial.

Maybe, the basement is my dwelling place....

Finding Love On The Internet

I don't know why I am so against this. I have no unspeakable experience on this score... but I just don't get it.

Would it be possible to make an instant connection with a person just talking to him online? Can love be really wires away?

Why can some find it online? Why can't I?

Here I am trying to make a connection with one single guy for almost half my life and I just can't do it.

Maybe I was raised the wrong way... where love and marriage is a sacred thing and making it a joking matter is simply a no-no.

Maybe I am just way too serious....

In Retrospect...

I may have caused the broken heart he is nursing.

I may have been the reason why he's back at his old self again.

If only I can bring myself to love him the way he want me to...

George's Birthday

In the stillness of the night, there I was waiting for 12 midnight.

"Happy Birthday, George!", I greeted him with every ounce of sweetness found in my body. I touched his hand and started to give him a kiss.

"Darn! Why can't he be with me this year?", I thought. I am always celebrating his name day without him by my side.

I started doing it way back 1990, back in high school. Sick? I could be for doing it since then. I loved him then. I love him now. I'll be loving him forever....

He is the epitome of all that of an ideal partner for me. All other men fall short of his qualities.

He is my one great love....

"Happy Birthday, George!!!"

Now let me go back to sleep.

All was perfect but... ME.

It's been weeks now since I last went online. I'm scared to bump into him. Somehow, although I haven't done anything bad to him, I feel guilty for leading him on. For making him believe that he had a conquest in me. For raising his hopes of ever finding someone again.

It was an instant connection. We share the same views and like the same things. He seem to be a really nice guy. I love the ME that he saw. I was getting to be a better person in his presence. I was doing great!!! I can actually be in a relationship.

Then I got cold feet....

I started to drift away. I just can't stand talking to him. It's like I'm being burned alive. Suddenly, I found fault in the relationship. I found myself feeling inadequate, like I never really wanted to be involved with him or anyone.

Honestly, it was hard for me. It was more like a challenge to myself than being fair to him. I know, I have been grossly unfair. He was my first guinea pig.... It's bad to play with people's feelings, his exact words.... and I have to agree. But I can't force myself to love him, I had to be honest.

And it made me realize that I am not ready for a relationship. No, not yet.

All was perfect but... ME. Maybe that was just it! It has to be perfect for both me and my partner.

My First Valentine With A Special Someone

Yeah, I do.

Even if it's just for show. I mean, we had all this talk about Valentine's Day and how we will spend it. Gifts, flowers, the sort of things that commercializes the day....

Funny thing is, we ended up not spending valentines together. We fought.

It was fun, though. Had a good laugh after all the brouhaha....

Pseudo-Boyfriend

You know the type. Never actually courted you but you just wake up in the morning feeling like you are in a relationship with someone. The signs? He's making demands on your time.... and you gladly give in... as in no struggles... as if he has all the right in the world!

None of both parties would want to ask about commitment. Wanting to be committed but you just can't ask. Too scared to get the "NO!", afraid that whatever it is they are sharing will be all waste....

Og Mandino's Take

"Today I begin a new life. Today I shed my old skin which hath, too long, suffered the bruises of failure and the wounds of mediocrity. Today I am born anew and my birthplace is a vineyard where there is fruit for all."

A Salutation?

Dear Pau,

You have been through every shift, department and companies, and yet, everywhere you are placed, it seems that you exceed the expectations. Continue to be as sweet as you are. You're a great asset to this company, keep up the good work.

Thanks for everything. It's never easy to say goodbye, but this is just see you later.

Continue to learn more, educate yourself in to doing better. Turn yourself into a great ASSET.Wish me luck , pray for me. I WILL SUCCEED.
--------------------------
I will pray for you. I know God will be with you all the way.
--------------------------
On a personal note: I am saddened by his leaving... but what can I do!?! Everyone has to move on. I guess, this time is perfect for him to shift. I wonder when will be mine? :)

I'm on GY And I'm High

Yeah, I'm on GY. And it makes me kinda happy to be on GY.

GY? GraveYard shift. What were you thinking? Although, I'm addicted to a lot of things, you know, I can never be on drugs.

Remember how I used to write about my love-hate thing with Friday nights? I don't have idle Friday nights anymore. Why? Well, I am at work on Friday nights. No time for complaining how my Friday night sucks. I have been given a reprieved. hehehehe....

GYs are great. Try it!!!

A Protuding Tummy?

Iww...

I have been religiously working out. I feel I have lost weight, how come my tummy's not it's normal not-attracting-attention (well, it's neither flat or bulging before) self.

The scales just said I lost 2 lbs., how come you're protruding?

Got A Thought to Ponder???

Take a look at this:

"You seem most interested in the very person who is not the least bit interested in you."

Hmmm....

I Need You To Be Honest

Is that too much to ask??

I just don't want you insulting my intelligence. I just don't.

I understand why you feel that you have to keep the truth from me. Spare me from pain? But I am suffering now.

I am ready to hear it. Why can't you just say it? I can handle the truth. It's your silence that's killing me.

I see it in everything in you and in everything you do. Why can't you just say it?

Why???

Me & Dan Brown's Angels & Demons In The Park

I am very much a reader. I can finish a novel overnight. Yeah, as in!

I read anywhere - office, on-board public transport, by the beach, in my bedroom - name the place I'm positive that I spent time reading there.

Uhmmm... come to think of it, there are places I haven't read still. A friend suggested that we bring some books in the park one Saturday afternoon. I was like, "what's with you? READ IN THE PARK?! Out of your mind or something?..."

Yeah, you can bet that this is the first time I read in the park. I thought parks are for picnics and strolls. Never a good place to read. I just proved myself wrong.

It was be so relaxing. I, actually, enjoyed my afternoon. It was just me, the bench I was sitting on and the book I was reading.

I just finished Angels & Demons and I did most of the readings in the park.

If you haven't tried reading in the park yet, go make time for a stroll in the park and bring a book. Take some time to read, enjoyment guaranteed. ;-)

On The Shores of Puerto Galera....

Just been to an out of town trip. Puerto Galera beaches!!! Yeah, finally!

Finally, I was able to feel the warm sand on the shores of Puerto Galera. After many attempts and careful plans to visit the island with my friends, I was there.

Actually, I have been dying to visit the island for years. So when a very close friend invited me to come with her, I grabbed the chance... and managed to bring a friend along, too. A couple of freeloaders? Not really, we shelled out transpo expenses going to the island. We were late, more like I was late. I wasn't able to show up on the appointed time. So my friend and her companions went ahead of me and my other friend. It was a good thing I have someone with me. Otherwise, I wouldn't have pursued the trip.

I am deliciously tired.... Hardly had time to sleep in the two days away from town.

On Our Way To Puerto Galera

I got up at 6am today. Yeah, I am late for our 530am assembly time. Kinda hate myself for waking up late. Well, the guys went without me. I cant ask them to wait for me....

Anyways, I did make it on the 8am bus trip to Batangas City. You have to take the bus to get to to a pier where you can take the boat to the beaches of Puerto Galera.

Am I glad to have made it!


The Sights - Onboard A Bus Going to Batangas

Nice right? It was kinda rainy that day. We were not sure if it was a good day to go to the beach....

I Am In The Meantime...

Yeah, I am.

I don't have any idea how long it's gonna take. I'll just hang on and enjoy every moment of it. Afterall, meantime is all about hanging on and enjoying it.

I know you get the drift...

Growing Up To Be A User?

USER!!! That's what my friends branded me when they learned about what I did a couple of weeks ago.

Actually, the name is not because I used dope or anything. It's just that....

Well, I was stupid enough to spike my way to a guy's heart. You see, I'm hear-over-heels inlove (!#?! I'm not sure yet of how I feel but for lack of better word, as my limited vocabulary is failing me, allow me to use the word "love".) with AJ. But as all unreciprocated love, he doesn't seem to take notice of me. So I decided to drop hints here and there. hehehe....

That day witnessed my worst attempt to get AJ to notice me. I took advantage of some unsuspecting guy. I used this guy's rather friendly interest in me, to show AJ that I got good qualities that he fails to see. Actually, I didn't really do it consciously. I just realised that I did it to be noticed by AJ after my friends analyzed the incident.

My, am I so guilty! I felt so bad. It was not fair to that nice guy and it was, definitely, not fair to me. I mean, I'm a great girl and all. I don't have to do that! =P hehehe....

I guess, I can never really be a user. No matter how hard I try. Hey, I'm not trying to paint a good picture of me here. It's just that having done what I did made me feel like the real me was inside an ill-fitting shell.

Nah, I'm not trying to exonerate myself. I'm just sure that I will never wanna be that person who spiked her way to someone's life....

Lesson learned.

Auto-Pilot

Know how a life of a automaton is like? =)

Wake up, work, sleep...
Wake up, work, sleep...

Yeah, that kind of routine!

Are you living life like an automaton?

It's like everything in your life is on auto-pilot. You have no actual control over your life. Every movement is like pre-determined. You have no actual participation. You're like watching your own life unfold before you. You're just an spectator of your own life. How miserable!!!

I bet you're on auto-pilot, too.

Life As I Know It

It's kinda funny how a simple thing could touch our lives. I mean, I tend to be melodramatic over everyday happenings. Sometimes, no matter how regular an occurrence is, it just hit you right at where it matters most - your heart.

Just this morning, I saw a child enjoying an ice cream cone. Yeah, as in 8am! What's more, he is oblivious to the heavy traffic and the occasional grunts of people inside the bus.

It was just him and his cone.

Know what!? A thought hit me. He made me realize, though life seem to be bleak in my eyes, it's a matter of pespective.

No, I don't think that one's perspective has got to do with age, sex, circumstance, etc... It's really how you look at things. The boy is at an advantage, because he has not seen much of the world yet. But if you choose to be unaffected the way that boy did, this could be the key to contentment and, perhaps, happiness.

One can choose to look at the brighter side and be happy, no matter what.

Life, as I know it, is very different from that boy's, my friends', the person sitting right next to me in the bus and even from my mom's. But we can all strive for that elusive thing.

Whatever way I look at Life, what counts is how my life touched the lives of others - friends and strangers alike.

So, was I that "little boy" in your life? ;-)

Anticipation

Everyone’s probably asleep at half-past two. I am here wide awake, thinking about you.

I lie awake while the scenes from the past play right before my very eyes. No matter what I do, your image remains clear in my mind. Every single detail, every little creases in your clothes. Beads of sweat on your forehead, even that stray hair in your shirt.

I shook my head real hard. Everything seems so real. It’s as if you are right in front of me.

Will I see you tomorrow? Will I finally see you smile?

Scenes are flashing in my mind. It just kept right on playing. Then, there was nothing but darkness.

Guilt Trip

Kakainis!!! I hate this feeling!

Ayokong ma-feel ito. I hate it when I owe explanations. It feels like someone has power over me.

Ganun nga talaga. If you’re guilty, you tend to explain.

Aye, I am guilty.

Let's See...

I am so waiting for that special moment. Sana mangyari!!!

I am not wishing for a life-changing event. I just want AJ to talk to me. Hear his voice. See his eyes lit with amazement with my poor excuse of an antic. And maybe feel his hand on my shoulder on a simple gesture of friendship.

Friendship? Nah, I want something more but I'm willing to start with being friends.

But all depends on that one "talk"....

Let's see what's gonna happen next....

Something Wonderful

I know... very Judith McNaught. What can i do! I am deliriously happy, I don't even know why. As if my subconscious is waiting for that one "something wonderful" to come my way.

Ei, I'm not trying to be romantic here. I just feel like something wonderful is coming, and it's gonna hit me....

That Fateful Sunday Afternoon

That fateful Sunday afternoon, I subconsciously tried to spike my chances.

That fateful Sunday afternoon, may have ruined all my chances.

That fateful Sunday afternoon, may cause me a lifetime of hurts and disappointments.
That fateful Sunday afternoon, may have changed your vision of me.

That remains to be seen.

AJ

I am fascinated with this one special person.

AJ, if you know how to read, read on... =)

It's been a while since I had a really big crush on someone. I'm so intrigue by your silence that I dream of hearing your voice. I want to hear you talk about anything. I just want to know if that dreamy state you carry on is a sign of intelligence. I want to know... please speak.

I Hate Friday Nights

Everyone looks forward to Friday nights when all things slow down and everything’s so bearable.

Me? I have a love-hate thing with Friday nights.

I love Fridays because it means two whole days off from work. But who wants days off when you’ll surely be spending every minute thinking about lost loves, could-have-beens and what-ifs. I hate Friday nights for this kind of drama.

I love Friday nights because I can stay up all night and never worry about being late for work. I hate Friday nights for making me stay at home coz I got no other place to go.

Friday nights are for you. Why can I not spend it with you?

Senti Mode Muna...

When everyone's gone, I find myself wonder on where my life is heading.

I don't have things to look forward to. Either I am content with my life or I lost interest on it altogether, I have no idea.

So now, I find myself looking for adventure. I may have missed the fun along life's way. I am trying to catch up, no matter how far away it has left me. Somehow, I'll find a way to cheat time.

But still I am afraid to move on, I'm afraid to make wrong decisions and end up wishing things are back to where I was: single, alone and not-so-happy.

Am I not ready give my space up yet?

I envy those who are inlove, even those who are inlove with love. Because I am neither. I am here standing at the crossroads but I don't feel anything. I am just here - devoid of any feeling.

I Will Not Love You Back

Natuwa ako ng sabihin mo na mahal mo ako. Why not? You are one lovable person. Plastic ako kung sasabihin ko na I don’t find you attractive.

You’re kind and I know that you’re a good person despite that tough guy image you like to project.

But the thing is, I can’t love you back. I care about you but not enough to get involve with you romantically. I love you but not with that same intensity and level you want me to.

Listen, I value you so much that I will not love you back.

Believe me, it’s for your own good….

A Day & 30

A day after my birthday, nothing much changed. I don't feel old or anything.

Know what? It doesn't matter how old one gets. What is important is ENJOYING LIFE... and I intend to do just that!

30

It's official, I'm 30! 30 years old! Yeah, today!

It's my birthday. = (

Why the = ( ? Well, for one, I am a year older.

Reason number 2: I don't have....

waahhh...

For The Last Time

Tomorrow.

I always look for that special promise of tomorrow, the dawn of the new day.

Tonight, I feel kinda excited yet dreading seeing the first light of tomorrow. Something unevitable will happen. Though, I know I have no power over it. I want to cherish this last few hours of my 29 years. Yes, I'll be 30 tomorrow. And I'm in a kinda twisted sense of life.

Allow me to say this for the last time. I'm 29 years old....

Text Message

“Alam ko, u made up ur mind bout me. Cguro mali ko 2 hav felt this way pero hayaan mong sbihin ko 4 d 1st and last tym: MAHAL KITA ___________.”

----------------

I got this message from that special guy after I enumerated a number of reasons why I cannot enter into a romantic relationship with him. He was kinda thinking that I don't like him personally, but I do! The thing is....

To Be Loved

I’m writing this down with a smile on my face.

ANG HABA NG HAIR KO!!! Haahahaha….

Well, I got a declaration of love at 7am this morning.

I can’t put into words how I felt at that moment. I suddenly felt I had my hair dyed green and everyone just loved it.

I haven’t felt so kilig for so long a time. * sigh *

What a way to start a day, huh.

Hurting???

Hmmm... ever wonder how I am feeling right now?

Suddenly, I am inside this vacuum. I just don't feel anything. It's like I'm just here trying to stay alive.

And, I don't even know why.

Hmmm... Blah, blah, blah...

Don't you find it funny when the people whom you thought knows you the most turn out to be the very same people who will snag you during your downest - rock bottom - stage of your life.

I know what exactly you are going to say... That at least I get to know who they really are. But that is not the whole point, I mean how can I have trusted these bunch of unfeeling people?

Does it mean that the world is full of selfish people? I want answers and I want it now.

From Now On

From now on, I will stand on my own two feet.I shall not depend my happiness on a circumstance, a thing or on somebody else’s. I am my own being. I own myself, nobody else will own me. Not even if I let them…They will never be always there for me… they have to live their own lives, I have to live mine.

From now on, I shall be self-sufficient. No more waiting on the line for that one perfect person. No more hanging on to every word uttered, every kind gesture extended… I shall be complete on my own. No one will ever complete me. I got to be whole…not because of that one special person coming my way… but because it’s my gift to myself. I will never be happy, unwhole.

From now on…

Ideal Man

A thought just came across me. My ideal man...

I want to write his qualities down. Not because I want that someone to have an idea of who I wanna be with. But because I am not really sure of his qualities.

Yeah, sometimes I would say he should be like this and other times I find myself contradicting myself.

So here goes...

Hmmm... my ideal man. He's got to have that spunk but he got to have that soft heart. I mean, he must be able to understand me if I cry over small things and not laugh at me like I suddenly sprouted devil's wings.

Hmmm... what else....

Hmmm...

Can't think of anything else. What I written is enough for the moment. More like a flavor for the season? Nah, I'm not that kind of person. wehehehehe....

I'll take some hard look at it again. And find time to write more of that "special someone".

Til next time, folks!

What I Want

I just realized that I want to explore and see things differently.

I want to break away from the norms amd values inculcated in my mind. I want to be a whole new being. Would it be possible?